The Guyliner Incident
by Pigeon Overlord
Summary: A Captain Charming crack!fic. Post S4 finale. Hook needs to reapply his guyliner and David brings him to the place in town that has the best light. Hook then makes a grave mistake. Please don't read if you really like Hook.


_For Myla_

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"Oh no!" Hook cried uselessly, like the useless man he was. He and the rest of the messed up Swan-Mills family stared down at the dagger which now proudly boasted the name EMMA SWAN.

"Emma's the new Dark One!" Hook said, even though everyone was aware of this. Once again, the words that came out of his mouth were unnecessary and useless. Like himself.

Regina opened her mouth to say a scathing insult to the stupid leather pirate, but closed it when she saw tears shining in his dumb eyes.

"Oh, what the hell?" she groaned. She was real tired of Hook's bullshit.

"Emma!" Hook wailed, stupid tears steadily flowing out of his stupid eyes. "My sweet Emma!" He leaped forward and grabbed the dagger from the ground, pressing it against his cheek, stroking it with his stupid metal hook.

"Emma!" More wailing.

David looked on, a hand on his heart, feeling real sad for Hook. Oh yeah, and Emma because she was the new Dark One and all that. And she was also his daughter. But he was also real sad for Hook too.

Regina tore the dagger out of Hook's grasp.

"Give that to me, you stupid leather pirate!" she snarled at him. "You'd be the worst person to entrust the dagger with. You'll end up blowing up the town, or replacing all articles of clothing with tacky leather like the imbecile you are."

Henry snickered. Stupid Hook.

"Hey!" David yelled, putting a comforting hand on Hook's shoulder. "He just lost his girlfriend!" He looked off into the distance, trying to be dramatic but just looking like a loser. "And I, my daughter."

"I literally hate all of you," Regina stated.

Meanwhile, Snow was off chasing a butterfly. Truly amazing.

While Regina and Henry were huddled around that damn storybook talking quietly, David helped Hook up from where he was kneeling on the ground, because Hook was too stupid to be able to do so himself.

"Hook," David said softly, looking into Hook's dumb eyes. But to David, Hook's dumb eyes were simply beautiful. Go figure.

"Yeah, mate?"

"Your guyliner is smudged. Your manly tears must have smudged them." David reached out and wiped away the black smears. So sensual. Good thing Henry wasn't looking.

"Thanks, David," Hook said softly. He was entranced by the softness of David's fingertips. Gay.

"You should reapply your guyliner. It really makes your eyes pop.

"It does?"

David nodded, stroking Hook's cheek softly. "You have beautiful eyes, Hook."

The dumb pirate's heart started beating faster. _David thinks my eyes are beautiful! (_ _ノ_ _^o^)_ _ノ_

"Y'know, the best light in town is right in Regina's yard, in front of her apple trees. You should fix yourself up there." David finally dropped his hand away from Hook's face.

Regina glared at the pair when she heard her apple trees being mentioned. She had super hearing when it came to her apple trees. Or Emma. Or Henry.

"Don't you dare touch my apple trees, you idiot pirate!" Regina yelled.

"Calm down Regina!" David dared to yell back. Turning to Hook he said, "I'll walk with you."

When they reached Regina's apple trees, Hook pulled out a tube of eyeliner - no, _guyliner_ \- and a compact mirror. He opened the guyliner and then opened up the compact, balancing it carefully on his hook. Wow. At least Hook was good at one thing.

The feat amazed David.

"Wow," he said breathlessly. "How can you do that?"

"Lots of practice, mate." He looked into the mirror. "You're right, David. The light is really good here."

David smiled proudly. The smiled morphed into one of wonder as Hook began to apply his guyliner. After making sure Hook wasn't looking at him, he took out his phone and quickly snapped a picture of Hook. The light made the idiotic leather pirate look so good, he didn't even need to add a filter.

"Does it look good, David?"

David nodded. "You look so handsome. The most handsome leather pirate in all the land."

Hook blushed. He couldn't believe senpai was noticing him.

All the attention David was giving him made him nervous, causing his hand to shake, which then caused his bottle of guyliner to fall out of his hand and onto the grass, spilling its liquid contents against the trees.

He looked up at the trees in horror.

Regina's apple trees immediately withered and died, right there on the spot. They were disgusted by Hook's guyliner, and the fact that Hook had even dared to look at them.

"Oh no!" Hook cried, as uselessly as earlier.

"Sweet niblets," David whispered.

Just then, Snow came skipping by.

"Oh look!" she said happily, completely ignoring the dead apple trees. "An apple!" She picked up the apple. It was dark red, darker than what a red apple should naturally be. Anyone with the least bit of sense would know it was a poison apple. But this was Snow White.

Snow gleefully took a bite out of the apple, and the promptly fell to the ground, unconscious.

No surprise there.

"Oh no!" It was David who cried it this time. Man, Hook was really rubbing off on him.

Before he or Hook could say or do anything else, they heard Regina cackling somewhere in the distance. The cackling got louder as Regina got closer.

"Look at her!" Regina laughed, looking down at Snow's unconscious body. "Snow Why-So-Supid!"

Henry laughed at that and jotted it down in the book. _Good one, mom._

Regina suddenly stopped laughing and turned to Hook and David, a murderous look on her face.

"And you!" She pointed at Hook. "I told you not to touch my damn trees! You're the dumbest pirate to ever live! How did you ever survive outside the womb?!"

"Hey, Regina! Don't be so mean to him. It was an accident. He only has one hand, after all," David said, trying to ease her anger. Regina was having none of it.

"There's only one way to save my trees: True Love's Kiss."

David and Hook smiled widely, and kissed each other immediately.

Henry almost dropped the story book. Regina rolled her eyes and quickly took a picture. (She would add the picture to the book later.) Snow laid there unconscious.

"Not with each other, you dipsticks!" she yelled at them. She had no time for their stupidity. "With the tree!"

She pushed their faces apart and stopped between them. "Move aside!"

Regina patted one of the withered trees gently. "I'm sorry the tiny stupid pirate with his stupid leather was mean to you." She gave the tree a quick kiss, and it immediately came back to life. The magic spread to the other trees, and soon enough, all of Regina's apple trees were restored to their previous glorious state.

She turned to Henry, who was dutifully writing down the latest happenings he had just witnessed in the storybook.

"C'mon, Henry. Let's go inside."

"What about us?" Hook asked from where he stood very, very close to David.

"Yeah, Snow's unconscious," David said, sparing his wife another glance.

Regina shrugged, putting an arm around Henry's shoulders and guiding him towards their front door. "Not my problem. You have a home. Use it. Just take your little love fest off my lawn."

With that, Regina and Henry went inside, the door slamming closed behind them.

Hook and David looked at each other.

"We might as well make out," David suggested, completely ignoring Regina's warning.

And there they stood, Hook and David, making out under Regina's apple trees.

Regina looked at them through her second-storey window. She should have just killed them all when she had the chance.

FIN

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 _A/N: I hope you enjoyed whatever this is._ _Kudos to you if you got that little_ Isle of the Lost _reference ;)_


End file.
